Canada
Please note, eh? Canada closes every July 1st to celebrate Canada Day-eh. ::"'Ey Nickeel, how 'bout we have a seat on my chesterfield and watch some hockey, eh? We can eat poutine and smoke pot afterwards, don'cha know. Oh, you need a serviette... there, Bob's your uncle." :::—The Average Canadian Canada, or Greenland's Mexico, also known as America's Canada, is a dangerous country full of bears and French-Canadians. As you read this, a wall is being built along the American/Canadian border, this is to prevent illegal immagrents, cold air, and bears from entering Jesusland (America). National Psychology While thought to be a peaceable country, Canada is actually an inwardly seething nation quietly planning an appropriate means of seizing world domination. There's only so many "eh", "igloo" and "hoser" jokes one can take. Plus, the weather sucks in Canada, and that's bound to make for some bad days. International Plans Using their bountiful supply of bears, beavers, and angry hockey players, their plan is to sneak upon the nation of Turkey in the middle of the night and subsequently claim ownership. Once claimed, Turkey will be renamed "Chicken" (Jeremy Hotz) and Sloan music videos will be played 24/7. If the weather's nice there, the Canadians may decide to stay in Chicken while thawing their frostbite before moving on to Russia (aka - Hortonville). Geography Canada is also extremely big, having a total area of 19,978,647,125 square miles (or 6,785,920,322,763 hectares). And unlike the greatest nation on the planet, Canada is divided into provinces and territories rather than states, making it not only dangerously enormous, but also geographically retarded. Such provinces include Manitoba, known for its alarming number of bears and liberal French-Canadians who hate America and want to "impeach the president" replacing him with tree-hugging, commie-fascist Neil Young. Politics :See: Canadian government Canada is a kingdom, with Queen Elizabeth II born into her position head of state. Royal dynasties are obviously undemocratic and bad. Unless it's the Bush family, of course. Because the dry winter air in Canada gives the Queen chapped lips, she lives in the United Kingdom instead. She appoints a lackey in her place, called the Governor General, to keep things in line while she's out. The Governor General is essentially the Grand Canadian Babysitter. Canadians elect commoners to the House of Commons - the Canadian immitation of Congress. The Governor General, unlike the President of the Untied States, can't make decisions on her own, and so has to have ministers tell her what to do. She chooses these ministers from the elected House of Commons, and her main guy is called the Prime Minister, though she really can't choose anyone other than who the House of Commons will support; the Prime Minister actually has to respond in the House to questions about his policies and actions! Jean Chrétien was Prime Minister of Canada for a really long time. The highlights of her career were when she choked... what? Oh, "Jean" is a guy! Uh, okay, when he choked a reporter and when he had a pie thrown in his face with the words "Pie Minister" written on it. Half of his face is paralyzed, which made for hilarious impressions of him on CBC's two political skit comedy shows, 'This Hour has 22 Minutes' and 'Royal Canadian Air Farce'. Canadians are ruthlessly insensitive to people with disabilities. Chrétien is also credited with popularizing the language 'Frenglish'' (a combination of French and English incomprehensible to anyone of either tongue.) Soon however, Canadians were exposed to the wonder that is Stephen Colbert, and elected to a majority a more America-loving party: the Conservatives under party leader Stephen Harper, who, because of the stupid, convoluted Canadian system, became Prime Minister. As a result of this, Canada was "fixed" By Dr. Colbert within just 77 days. Culture Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada is home to the hardcore punk band, DOA. DOA are very unamerican. They have a song called 'Fucked Up Reagan' and an alternate version called 'Fucked Up Bush', along with many anti-war and anti-industrialism songs, not to mention, they're not from America. They also have a song called 'America the Beautiful' which includes these lyrics: ''Lock your doors, lock it tight It's the new immoral right They wanna cleanse the home of the brave For the master race of the USA" This group alone warrants an immediate invasion of Canada. But one reason not to invade Canada (and annex it to North Dakota, which could use the extra people)is because the Canadians make some decent beer like Moleson's and LeBratt's, and they might stop if they get pissed off. 845,000 Canadians die each day as a direct result of Socialized medicine. Not to mention most of them don't know how to spell "Honor". Socialism doesn't work. Crimes Against Humanity *Inserting extra unnecessary letters, specifically O and U, into words where they don't belong. *Intentionally mispronouncing words such as: about, house, out, against, and sorry. They do this because only other Canadians can understand a thing they talk "aboot". They need to speak American like the rest of the world does. *Thinking they invaded the United States during the War of 1812. The Canadians (not the French) thought they burned down half of the White House, which subsequently had to be repainted. In reality, they accidentally invaded the north pole, set fire to an igloo and stepped on a penguin. *Housing and providing sanctuary to many bears including the vile polar grizzly. Like Lebanon, Canada serves as a safe haven from which Bears, like Hezbollah, can attack at will into America and wreak havoc on our northern states, such as Washington, Idaho, and North Dakota. Bears are allowed to roam freely on the streets of Canadian cities, and the town of Victoria, British Colombia has even erected monuments to these "Bearorists." *Playing home to French-Canadians, Nickelback, Celine Dion, Bryan Adams, and half of Keanu Reeves *Having "Free" health care (sneaky Canadians) *Having a PM (Prime Minister) named Jean Chretien *Inventing curling *Sending humanitarian aid to New Orleans after hurricane Katrina sooner than the US because they have nothing better to do. *Not forcing Robbie Robertson to go home, against the wishes of the UN. *Compressing the USA down into a less magnificent size with the gigantic weight of their ice and politeness, all to claim that THEY are the second largest country in the world. Bastards. *Not supporting American troops....because they are draft dodgers and bear petters. *Banning all guns, in favor of hockey sticks. *Measuring temperature in Celsius, instead of the American way, Fahrenheit! *Spawning such heartless killing the machines as the bear, Celine Dion, Curling, and the claim that ham is their own bacon. *Introducing the world to the backwards talk of the hated French-Canadians, who originally coined the word "les biens", referring to their many happy sisters *Inferior (and possibly deadly) Xanax. *Saying "eh" after everything which is also used to talk to bears *Having a drinking age of 19 and making Americans drunk Activism Help make Canada more like the U.S. by lending your support to the following plans of the Conservative Governor, Stephen Harper. *Extend the Mission in Afghanistan Until the Taliban-Supported Drug Lords surrender *Occupy Vancouver DO NOT ENTER Vancouver (especially if you have more than a penny CDN (1 millionth of a penny US on you.) The bong fumes from those filthy hippie Chinese-loving snowboarders are highly toxic. Invest in bio-hazard suits. *Oppose the new Clean Air Bill. (50% Reduction of emission by 2050? Not Possible!) *Expand the Annual Seal Hunt to include French Canadians *Expand the Annual French Canadian Hunt to include Nova Scotians *Cutting public school funding, so children never learn the "metric" system *Cut funding to womens programs and remove the word "equality" from any document proclaiming the goals of womens movements. *Cut taxes for the rich, raise them for the poor, and then lower the poverty line. You end up with less tax on voters, more tax on non voters, and fewer poor people. Its win-win-win. *Help Real AmericansTM invade Canada. Tourism "Canada? Why would you want to leave America to visit America Junior?" (See: The Simpsons) There is wisdom in Homer's words, and not that Greek one either. There are no beers, donuts, or fatty foods in Toronto. Turn around and spend your vacation in the green, clean, lively, safe twin paradises that are Buffalo and Detroit. They're as safe as Baghdad after all. Conspiracy Theories *Canada does not actually exist. *It was made up by communists. They brain wash all who believe that they went to Canada with machines that they stole from the United States during WWII when the US saved all from Hitler. *Super secret hidden penguin assassin base is hidden somewhere in Canada producing penguin films and shilling animal rights. See Also *French-Canadian *Quebec *Montreal Canadiens *Quebecois language Footnotes